SUNDAY BLUES
Allow me to give you a bit more information about myself. I don't usually read people's blogs and get a real personal since of who they are, but I am going to elaborate quite a bit about me here. Sorry if it's not CR related or doesn't follow the protocol for CR related blogs.
I am 26 years old. I live in Brooklyn, but I am from NC. I have been in Brooklyn for the past 3 years, maybe a bit more. I first moved to NY to conquer the world. I thought I needed a change. I thought I would expose myself to greater lesbian community here. Maybe work a few odd restaurant jobs and then go crawling home broke and start my real adult life back in NC with my close group of family and friends.
It didn't quite work out that way (most of which I am happy for...Some not so much). I met a woman within being here a week and feel in love. Being with her became my top priority. I did whatever it took to maintain a life here in NY. Life was great, but still lacking. I actually hated a lot about our relationship. Actually, most everything. Other than the physical attraction that I had to her and how the relationship enabled me to stay in NY, there wasn't much else.
I hated that she was closeted, that she was self centered, lazy, a pot head...I could go on and on. So, I got depressed. I gained some weight. I started to become hateful to her. Hateful to the point that when I realized how much I was hurting her, I ended everything, took a flight home and left. Left her, left my job, left my clothes, just left.
This all happened back in July of 2006. Thankfully, I was able to recoup my job. My company needs me. I was not able to recoup all my stuff from her home, so I had to just leave it. I have yet to recoup my confidence, self esteem, or a lot of other positive emotional things. All I knew of NY, I knew through her. All the friend I had, I had through her. They are all obviously not part of my life anymore.
I have started to make some new friends. Unfortunately, the best way I have found to meet people is in bars. And for the most part the friends I meet are 1. Men 2. Alcoholics 3. Unmotivated
So this all brings us up to date and the current status is this:
I am lonely. I am really enjoying my work and school, but I am just down right lonely. The women I meet, I am not interested in. I would like to be friends, but that's not good enough. The men I meet in bars that want to be friends, only would like to do so in a bar. I am sick of bars. I want to go to museums, the botanical gardens, and so forth.
Like always, Friday after work, I head to the local bar with friends. One things leads to the other and the next thing you know, it is 7 am on Saturday. Three guys are at my apartment. We are all smashed, talking philosophy. I crawl into bed around 9 am and sleep all day on Saturday. Wake up on Sunday and feel like shit. Absolute shit. Look at my cell phone and apparently called my ex sometime Saturday morning, drunk and god only knows what I said to her. Do I miss her; NO. I am just lonely. I just miss the interaction. I miss having that someone close all the time to do things with. If I saw her today, I would probably be absolutely aggravated with her within 2 secs. So, no it's not her. It's just being lonely and I have to remind myself of that or I will just obsess on her and think that I am some sort of looser for screwing the relationship up from the beginning.
So here's the CR part. How can I concentrate on something so structured and detailed? My life in so many other ways is such a wreck. I want it to be more structured. God knows it is with work and school. God knows I could ruin work and school acting like some 21 year old college frat boy.
It doesn't happen often, but it does. Otherwise, what does a young lesbian professional lonely CR practitioner do on a Friday night? Any suggestions?
5 comments:
Dear Carolyn,
I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now. I wish I had magic words to make you feel better. All I can really do is share a few thoughts.
I've been thinking a lot lately about fear and the way it shapes our lives. What I hear in your post is a deep fear of being alone. Of course, all of us share this fear at some level. It's especially true for women who are taught by society to measure their worth by their relationships. But when fear of being alone dominates your life, it can consume you.
Instead of confronting this fear, people often run away from it by reaching for other much more harmful emotions, such as self-hatred. They allow themselves to be used and abused by others. They actively abuse themselves with drugs and alcohol (I'm talking about more than just a social drink here). They will do anything and everything to avoid facing the one thing they fear the most - being alone.
I can tell you from experience that all the harmful things you do to yourself are much worse than simply facing being alone. I can also tell you that joy and peace can never come from anyone or anything outside. It can only come from inside you. If you want to find love and friendship, you must first love yourself and be a good friend to yourself. So rather than going to bars looking for someone to make you feel less lonely, why not just be alone for a while and focus on being your own best friend?
Your blog, of course, is about CR, but I see a very clear relationship between food and the way you feel about yourself. When people don't love themselves, they fill their bodies with unhealthy foods, all the while saying that they just don't have time or energy to make something decent to eat. When people *really* hate themselves, they don't eat at all in hopes that they'll just disappear (i.e. anorexia). But if you really love yourself, it becomes second nature to respect your body enough to give it what it needs.
Following CR - or just eating healthy foods, for that matter - is ultimately not about discipline or control. It's about self-love. Each and every day when I sit down to a good, nutritious meal, I recognize that this is my way of loving myself. It is, in fact, the most basic expression of love. It's what any mother should want to do for her children. It's what any human being should want to do for herself.
So let your relationship with food be the beginning of self-love for you. Buy and prepare nutritious foods for yourself each and every day. I would argue that at this phase, you should be focusing on the Optimal Nutrition part rather than the CR part. Nourish your body.
At the same time, there are a million ways you can love yourself that don't involve food. If you want to go to a museum, for example, don't wait around for someone to go with you. Just go. By yourself. You may be surprised to find that you're pretty good company. Pay attention to what nourishes your soul and fill your life with whatever that is.
I hope this makes sense. I also hope I haven't assumed too much or said too much. Mostly, I hope you feel better soon.
Dear Carolyn,
Being a 30 something lesbian having experienced her biggest love affair in Brooklyn, I can relate to you. The answer to your question is, just enjoy your time and don't tie that to being with somebody. A nice and healthy dinner, a few glasses of wine and a nice movie on DVD means a nice time on friday to me for the past couple of days. please don't expect much from people, that way you won't get hurt.
Hi Carolyn!
Hang in there!!! I was pretty lonely myself when I started CR, and I met the love of my life this way, so you never know...
I think you're doing a great thing by sharing more of yourself on your blog.
What part of NC are you from? I was born in Durham and lived most of my pre-14 life in the triangle. My dad is from Greensboro.
love, april
I am from the east coast of NC. A small little town called, Edenton. Might have heard of it. It is actually kinda famous; first capital, quaint, great vaca spot for old timers that like to golf and there have been a couple of movies filmed there.
I remember reading about your NC roots now that you mention it! Well we'll always have that, won't we!
Thanks for the encouraging words. Much appreciated!
heya -
I'm so glad you're feeling better than you were when you wrote this. And I wanted to say, hey, I'm gay/queer too (lesbian would be correct, but I don't tend to use that word for myself, for no particular reason). yeah. . . that's about all. . . I'm glad you're feeling better.
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